Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Double Negative

It took me approximately a week after my Crying Game episode to rejoin the real world again, and a lot has happened over the last few days. It's amazing the things you debate when you feel your world is literally dragging you under the bus by your Spanx. I feel as though I went through an entire episode of Ninja Warrior, clawing up pillars wrapped in gym mats that are covered in the previous contestant's mucus, scrambling through kiddie pools filled with urine laced mud, desperate for a final, positive outcome that would leave me triumphant and clear-headed on the other side of such turmoil. So after debating new jobs, new homes, new cities, new hobbies and finally, new clothes, I can honestly say I am officially standing on the winner's platform with clear sky above me and the storm clouds below. A little bruised, a little tired, and with yet another new pair of cute summer wedges I really don't need (summer's almost over, but with the right pants they'll look perfect for fall I swear!), but alive and hopeful for what the future could hold. I have decided to enroll in an online masters certificate program in business marketing at Tulane, after which I will finally be qualified to apply for a job that I might actually enjoy. If I can get my freakin company to pay for it, that would be miraculous, but right now I'm getting the "this course doesn't really pertain to your position" run-around. Or as administrative assistants know it, the "you're not important enough to the company for us to waste our pilfered dollars so why don't you shut your whiny trap and keep on copying those financial journals that we're never going to look at and are too cheap to buy from the wholeseller, aren't you defeated enough to not have any goals" defense. So I'm practically forcing them to say to my face that I'm not a valuable enough employee to get support in pursuing an educational goal. After which I will probably cry, but whatever, I'm still a winner in the end. Yes I may continue to be ignored and bitched at at the same time, but at least I can be the only one in the company that exists as a walking double negative; ubiquitiously invisible, or rather, "not there everywhere." I may continue to be an oversighted employee, but at least that oversightedness will be doled out by everyone. And then one day *POW*, someone will realize they don't know how to print a powerpoint double-sided and when they attempt to call me for assistance, all they will get will be a voicemail that says "You've NOT reached me because I'm NOT here EVERYWHERE SUCKA!!!" Which I'm sure will have quite an impact, because any statement that ends in ebonics is rather dramatic. So as of now, that's the game plan. Plead for tuition assistance, get denied, replace all consultants' paper clips with open safety pins, take out loan from shady lender who doesn't care about my horrendous credit score to pay for tuition, complete marketing courses while moonlighting as stripper for said shady lender to pay back tuition loan, obtain marketing certificate from accredited educational institute that can actually spell accredited and currently has no outreach ads featured on daytime television trying to convince unemployed lumber yard workers to pursue careers in dental hygiene, search for job that is related to obtained certificate, ace interview with hiring company by making clever references to popular television dramedies and hiding Republican tendencies, and then promptly giving two weeks' notice and a pack of Original BubbleYum to the managing staff. And then try to achieve the possibly impossible by literally doing NOTHING for the remaining two weeks.

I'll let you know how it goes.

In other news, Nubbins is still determined to audition for Deadliest Catch.

He seems to think that despite lacking opposable thumbs, he could very well be the next Captain Phil. God rest his soul.


  1. I miss Capt. Phil. But not as much as I miss you!!!

  2. I think you'd do well moonlighting as a stripper. hee hee.... I miss you too!