We Got the Beet

I've come to the conclusion that the beet is a widely underestimated vegetable. As I was walking back from the gym, grimly contemplating my lunch options (meatloaf Lean Cuisine, which I believe is also used in a number of torture techniques at Guatanamo), I passed by the Market Fresh salad bar and thought, what the hell, I could spice up my day a little with some limp spinach and crown-cracking croutons. I threw a little mixed greens in my take-out box, (it doesn't matter how many times someone explains it to me, I still don't understand why they're called mixed greens when one of them is quite obviously purple. Am I the only one who sees this???) and then I noticed these little french-fry cut wedges of bitter goodness. BEETS!!! I haven't had them in a while, but you don't have to be a genius to know that a little ranch dressing and some beets could make Chuck Norris weep tears of iron and other metallic substances that will someday be bottled and stored in a geographically sound location to be accessed only when fighting a world-wide epidemic of alien attacks. At this point, I'm actually halfway through this magical box of nature's treasures, and I have to say I am still enamored with these wonderful little miracle veggies. And now I'm over it. (Really though, did you think I was going to write an entire post about beets? With everything else that's newsworthy about today? Mexico won Miss Universe and Ann Frank's favorite tree blew down for God's sake.)

I'm beginning to realize that I am not the only one who deems my job to be a veritable black hole of mundaneness and double-sided copying. I first came to this realization when I was on the phone with Twin Sister the other day, who is also a Drunk-Canoer-Saving Sunken-Boat- Insurance-Fraud-Auditing Port-Loving Water Hero with the UNITED STATES COAST GUARD. (you like the all caps? I did that just in case this blog ever gets into the wrong hands and the only thing standing between me and the business end of a taser and 5-10 in the brig for leaking government secrets that I didn't know were secrets is my unwavering loyalty to the U.S. Military) So I was giving Twin Sister a brief run-down of the sheer hardship that is my work-life, i.e. broken fax machines, computer viruses that are disguised as computer viruses, staple shortages and other corporate horrors that are far too graphic to mention, when suddenly she interrupts me and says "Oh hey, sorry about your day but I gotta go. Someone just reported that a state ferry is on fire." I barely got out an "Ok but just a sec cause I was going to tell you that the whole conference room mix-up got worked out and it's fi....ok, bye!" And at that moment, it was all quite clear. If I were to put my current employment situation into a mathamatical formula, this is how it would translate:

MY JOB+EXCESS ENTHUSIASM+LOVE FOR LAMINATING ALL THINGS LAMINABLE =
SIGNIFICANT DRAIN ON COMMERCIAL RESOURCES/NOT A GOOD TOPIC AT SOCIAL GATHERINGS

And to further cement the validity of this conclusion, my husband calls me AT WORK in the MIDDLE OF THE DAY to ask me to look up educationally enhancing factoids, like with what apparatus will Evel Knievel's son be attempting to jump the Grand Canyon, or if "batter back" is the definitional equivalent of "batten down" or "batter up" to which I reply "I DON'T KNOW BECAUSE I'M AT WORK AND I HAVE IMPORTANT STUFF TO DO BECAUSE I'M A CONTRIBUTOR AND IMPORTANT STUFF IS MY CONTRIBUTION!!!"
But we all know the truth. Your job can be valuable in many ways, but it's definitely not a life-altering position (like saving burning ferries) when your significant other deems it appropriate to have you find the clinical terminology for "a phobia of ants." Which is called myrmecophobia, in case you were wondering.

In other news, H-Nubs has been nagging me to enroll him in agility courses. He has this dream to participate in the Frisbee Dog World Championship and be the first Aussie to beat a whippet. The cost of the agility course combined with the fact that Henry has the attention span of a hummingbird on speed at a carnival, generates a surefire "no" 100% of the time. Yet he keeps demonstrating his frisbee skills every chance he gets, most of which he taught himself out of a "Frisbee for Aussie Dummies Whose Sisters Would Rather Eat Wheatgerm and Cat Vomit Than Play With Them on Any Given Day" manual, and elaborates on how rich we'd all be if he won. (Nubbins equates wealth with peanut butter dog biscuits and smoke-cured bull penises, which we would be knee-deep in if he did indeed win.) I keep reminding him that I've been winning at this game a lot longer than he's been playing it, but then I am always met with a pleading glance from those big brown eyes and a big goofy smile, to which resistance is practically futile.



Well played Mr. Nubbins. Well played.

Twin Sister = Complete Awesomeness

So Twin Sister and I often email each other at work, if we're both in a relatively similar smart-ass-y mood, some pretty weird/funny-maybe-only-to-us comments are conveyed. It starts off slow, but it picks up. Hope you have as much fun reading this as we did avoiding our work (filing for me, national security for her).

Oh, and we call each other Pablo and Emilio.

It reads top to bottom:

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 10:29 AM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: Photos this weekend

Hey Emilio you never told me what time we're doing your engagement/family photo shoot thingy this weekend

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 10:53 AM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

We are going to start pics at 6pm at Newcastle Beach. And then you and Keith will start with us at 7. She said you guys can come with us at 6 in order to help, which I would love if you can manage (at least you).

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 11:03 AM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

That all sounds cew. And yes, we'll have the dogs. I had no idea it was going to be in the evening, that'll be loverly. What time do you think we'll be done? I have a karaoke night to attend, remember? I'm a very important person.

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 11:21 AM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

I would guess we'll be done around 8 or 830.

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 11:58 AM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

That sounds good. Wanna have lunch after your hair appt tomorrow? If you say no then I'll feel sorely neglected and terribly unappreciated, but I'll cover it up nicely by smiling like a psycho and pretending to bounce on a trampoline full of cats.

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 11:59 AM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Wouldn't all the cats scratch up your panty hose flying around you like that?

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 12:06 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Not exactly, (I don't know how "not exactly" would apply because it seems to me that if you're on a trampoline with a bunch of cats, everything is pretty "exact"), because I wouldn't be wearing pantyhose. I would be wearing jeggings. And I'm not sure if there are any test examples out there on the internets that would predict if 100 bouncing felines could scratch a pair of hideous jean print Spandex-pants.

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 12:09 PM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Well you'd at least get a pretty bad case of the camel toe with something like "jeggings" I would gather. Anyhow, yes I'll have lunch with you. My appt is at 1145, so I would guess it takes at least two hours. Can you wait that long for lunch?

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 12:13 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

I'm not quite sure what you're implying, but this is what I heard:

Can you wait that long for lunch? = Are you sure that your fat a$$ can last until mid-afternoon to fill up two airplane seats-worth of restaurant booth and shove two pounds of raw beef down your gullet while rubbing your elbows in ranch dressing so you can lick it off later?

And the answer is yes. Yes I can wait that long.

I think.

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 12:17 PM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Gross Pablo. Get your ears checked. That is not what I said. Your listening/hearing skills are in dire need of some professional help.

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 12:19 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

I think we're both missing the point. You can't "hear" an email.

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 12:22 PM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Indeed. I HEARD that!

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 12:24 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

I don't think you're understanding me. You can't HEAR an ema....screw it. Nevermind. Sometimes I think you look dumber than you really are.

That came out meaner than I had intended.

I WANT CHEETOS SO BAD MY BUTT HURTS!!!!!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 12:33 PM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

I no longer care about this conversation.

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 12:34 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Okay, so THAT came out meaner than YOU intended. I understand. We all make mistakes.

P.S. Please don't stop emailing me today because I'm really really really bored and I think I might die if you don't make me laugh and I can honestly say I think we all want the opposite of that. *sad face*

A PERIOD OF ACTUALLY WORKING....

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 1:26 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Your silence has clearly indicated that you do, indeed, want to me to die from boredom.

I'm going to the gym now because I'm very important and have lots of important stuff to do for important-er people.

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 1:37 PM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

I do apologize for your boredom, however, I am very busy and important as well. When you get back from your very important workout and important stuff with importanter people....give me a freakin important shout. I may or may not be willing/able to reply. :)

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 2:59 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

I just worked out for the FOURTH day this week (I know right? GET OUT OF TOWN) and I got back and I'm sitting at my desk and I have this REALLY sharp pain over my right eyebrow and it hurts SO BAD and it WON'T stop and now my eyelid is twitching and I just got on WebMD and I totally know what it is.

It's a tumor.

I hope you don't mind having a tumor-head in your extra-special photo shoot on Saturday.

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 3:03 PM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Just don't let it get too big. Unsightly for photos.


-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 3:09 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

You were always so compassionate. I suppose you're also against the School for Kids Who Can't Play Sports Good and Want to Use a Skip-It Good Too.

Man those things hurt when that huge-a$$ ball whacked your ankle.

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 3:21 PM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Didn't hurt as bad once our brother cut the end with the ball off of it, huh?

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 3:31 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Yah just like how choosing between playing in the kiddie pool or watching t.v. was such a huge dilemma until he and Mikey Lees ran over the pool with their bikes and cracked it.
Problem solved.

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 3:34 PM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

Well you had a little trouble with that 1.5 ft slide anyhow, as I recall. Problem solved for all of us. The ones having to save you from it (Mom) and the ones waiting in line behind you (me).

-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 3:36 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

I'M AFRAID OF HEIGHTS YOU WHORE!!!!!!

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 3:37 PM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

I know. Heights, slides, bikes...we could have made a 1,000 piece puzzle featuring all the things you were afraid of.


-----Original Message-----
From: Kate.Karch
Sent: Thursday, August 19, 2010 3:39 PM
To: Higgins, Courtney LT
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend

I just broke up with you. Consider us broken up.

P.S. I love you.

-----Original Message-----
From: Courtney.A.Higgins
Sent: August 19, 2010 3:41 PM
To: Karch, Kate (Seattle)
Subject: RE: Photos this weekend


Ditto. See you tomorrow Pabs!

Tinsel Tribulations

So I realize it's been over two weeks since my last post, and there's a good reason for it. My posts began to devolve into these bitter, amorphous blobs that were satirically clever, I must admit, but leaning a little too far out of the negative seat on the ferris wheel of doubt and insecurity. And maybe it's because I'm over-medicated, or obsessed with chirpy Taylor Swift music, or I've been working out again for the first time in three weeks, but I am ridiculously content today for the first time in a REALLY LONG TIME. I can't seem to stop from smiling at the craziest, most unimportant, completely random things. Like this morning I saw a Rastafarian man in the International District that was wheeling around on a bicycle literally COVERED in Christmas garland, and you know what? He looked SO HAPPY. And I thought, if that crazy guy can ride around on what is probably his only worldly possession without a care in the world, why can't I? Yes, he's probably smiling because he just smoked a doobie in the train station and he found a dollar for Cheetos, but it's the little things that should make us thankful for every day that we have on this earth. Am I going to feel this way tomorrow? Probably not, but who can really predict how they're going to feel from day to day about life in general? All I can do today is try to maintain this mild euphoria and pray that someone doesn't ride a killer elephant through my proverbial peppy parade. I have a good job, though I may not always revel in its monotony, I have a safe home, I have wonderful friends, and most of all, I have an incredible family that is waiting for me at the end of the day.


And how great is that?

Double Negative

It took me approximately a week after my Crying Game episode to rejoin the real world again, and a lot has happened over the last few days. It's amazing the things you debate when you feel your world is literally dragging you under the bus by your Spanx. I feel as though I went through an entire episode of Ninja Warrior, clawing up pillars wrapped in gym mats that are covered in the previous contestant's mucus, scrambling through kiddie pools filled with urine laced mud, desperate for a final, positive outcome that would leave me triumphant and clear-headed on the other side of such turmoil. So after debating new jobs, new homes, new cities, new hobbies and finally, new clothes, I can honestly say I am officially standing on the winner's platform with clear sky above me and the storm clouds below. A little bruised, a little tired, and with yet another new pair of cute summer wedges I really don't need (summer's almost over, but with the right pants they'll look perfect for fall I swear!), but alive and hopeful for what the future could hold. I have decided to enroll in an online masters certificate program in business marketing at Tulane, after which I will finally be qualified to apply for a job that I might actually enjoy. If I can get my freakin company to pay for it, that would be miraculous, but right now I'm getting the "this course doesn't really pertain to your position" run-around. Or as administrative assistants know it, the "you're not important enough to the company for us to waste our pilfered dollars so why don't you shut your whiny trap and keep on copying those financial journals that we're never going to look at and are too cheap to buy from the wholeseller, aren't you defeated enough to not have any goals" defense. So I'm practically forcing them to say to my face that I'm not a valuable enough employee to get support in pursuing an educational goal. After which I will probably cry, but whatever, I'm still a winner in the end. Yes I may continue to be ignored and bitched at at the same time, but at least I can be the only one in the company that exists as a walking double negative; ubiquitiously invisible, or rather, "not there everywhere." I may continue to be an oversighted employee, but at least that oversightedness will be doled out by everyone. And then one day *POW*, someone will realize they don't know how to print a powerpoint double-sided and when they attempt to call me for assistance, all they will get will be a voicemail that says "You've NOT reached me because I'm NOT here EVERYWHERE SUCKA!!!" Which I'm sure will have quite an impact, because any statement that ends in ebonics is rather dramatic. So as of now, that's the game plan. Plead for tuition assistance, get denied, replace all consultants' paper clips with open safety pins, take out loan from shady lender who doesn't care about my horrendous credit score to pay for tuition, complete marketing courses while moonlighting as stripper for said shady lender to pay back tuition loan, obtain marketing certificate from accredited educational institute that can actually spell accredited and currently has no outreach ads featured on daytime television trying to convince unemployed lumber yard workers to pursue careers in dental hygiene, search for job that is related to obtained certificate, ace interview with hiring company by making clever references to popular television dramedies and hiding Republican tendencies, and then promptly giving two weeks' notice and a pack of Original BubbleYum to the managing staff. And then try to achieve the possibly impossible by literally doing NOTHING for the remaining two weeks.

I'll let you know how it goes.

In other news, Nubbins is still determined to audition for Deadliest Catch.



He seems to think that despite lacking opposable thumbs, he could very well be the next Captain Phil. God rest his soul.